pinktomato

I open my eyes slowly, the light surges in. My view is obstructed. I try to see past so that I can see what’s on the other side of the window. My view is obstructed. The one thing I want is sitting in front of me but I can’t see it. I know it’s there only because I can’t see through the window, otherwise I’d be blind to it. I reach my hand out; one finger is farther than the rest. I try to touch the entity but my fingers are numb. I do the only thing I know; close my eyes again and start over.

I open my eyes fast, my pupils are dilated. What was once there is no longer. I stare into space, wondering what just happened. Was there something there before? I rethink my previous thoughts. Nothing; nothing was there. I look around, scared to see behind me. Nothing. 

I slam my eyes shut. I daydream. I reflect on what my life has been and where it is going next. I smile at the simple, yet beautiful thoughts but tears plunge my face on the miserable and depressing ones. I am no longer who I used to be. New things happen everyday. Old things disappear everyday. We never stay who we used to be. The forces around us are forever changing.

I open my eyes, they are flooded. I see what had been obstructing my view but I can’t make out what it is. I try reaching for it once more but I can’t, it keeps disappearing. “Come back,” I say. It’s going, it’s gone. I can never get it again. 

It has been a week since my romantic act with Jamie and I am doing what I’ve always promised my self I wouldn’t; gossiping. I can’t help but brag about the details of my private life to my peers. All they know is that there’s this insanely hot and mysterious guy that I made out with at Baxter’s. What they don’t know is that it was Jamie. I was pretty sure that Becca and Kaleigh had a thing for him so I left out the important detail of who he was. Unfortunately, Becca and her boyfriend had just parted ways so I’m convinced that she’ll be keeping an eye out for him at lunch now.

            Everyday I see Jamie in the lunch room but I think he’s too nervous to come back over to the table that we sit at. I wouldn’t blame him; Becca and Kaleigh are notorious for obsessing over guys.

            “Hmm…there’s that Jamie kid again,” Becca spills.

            For a second I imagined me lunging myself across the table and ripping her hair out, but I remained civil, “Oh, I hadn’t even noticed him.”

            She scoffs. “I thought you two were friends Rose. Of course you noticed him. What do you have a crush on him or something?”

            I hesitated, “No.”

            She gave me a long stare before continuing to make me angry. “What’s with the short answer?”

            I did not owe her any answers at all. It truly should not matter if they’re short or long. Jamie started to make his way over for the first time in forever, it was definitely bad timing. Becca’s eyes zeroed in on Jamie as if he were prey.

            “Well hello there, we were just talking about you.” I rolled my eyes without letting Becca see. “Why don’t you come sit beside me…?”

            “Don’t mind if I do.”

            I almost burst out laughing because I knew that Jamie knew that I disliked these girls a little bit. He was totally playing it up, flirting back at them.

            Right as Jamie sits down the bell rings for us to go back to class. He quickly gets up and presses his mouth into my ear, whispering, “I had a great time last week and I think we need to do it again soon.”

            My heart dropped. My day was complete. 

See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? … He couldn’t do it last night because he was too busy talking his best friend out of suicide. See that girl, with her face caked in make up? … She’s bullied, she needs to feel beautiful. See him, the one who wears long sleeves everyday? … He covers his arms to hide the scars. See her, with the cheap, hand-me-down clothes? … Her family can’t afford food for half the month, let alone get brand names. See the girl who laughs and smiles at every little thing? … She cries herself to sleep every night. Wonder why she never lets her friends over her house? … Because she’s afraid they’ll see her dad passed out drunk on the floor, as always. See how that girl cringes at rape jokes? … She was raped. See the boy who everyone goes to for advice? … He wishes someone would do the same for him. See the girl who never brings a lunch? … She’s disgusted by her body. See her, with the little waist? … She goes to the bathroom and forces herself to throw up so that she can keep her waist that way. See the boy over there, see the dark circles under his eyes? … He has insomnia, he fears what he’ll see in his dreams. See that girl daydreaming over there? … She has schizophrenia. See the boy biting his nails? … He has cancer and he’s wondering how much time he has left. See your best friend? … She’s addicted to drugs, but she can’t tell you because you wont understand. See that boy reading all about 9/11? … His parents died on that day. See her, with her phone on her at all times? … She’s waiting for a call saying her sister was found after a kidnapping 4 years ago. Don’t judge.

(via honeyyyimhome)

I am rearranged. My new lifestyle is like someone who just can’t seem to get their living room right. One month the sofa is on this wall and the next month it’s on the other. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have a different point of view.  You’re by yourself. You have the same eyes everyday. Nothing seems new. Nothing is new. Everything is the same and it won’t change. You keep trying to fix it, hoping that it’ll all be better.  It never does. It’s the same messed up room, all the time. 

-Olivia

“If everyone looked the same, how would you stand out?” -Olivia Miller